Have you ever felt…

Posted by: Karen February 11th, 2009 Filed under: Journal

Like you’ve turned into a person that you hate? I know i did. And it’s not a good feeling. Sometimes i cry about it at night mostly when i think about what happen…and thinking about the other person involved which you’ve caused such pain is almost unbearable. And it was not even intentional, not even planned, it just happened, and it wasn’t in me to pretend, it was real. I catch myself crying so much at night (even typing this i got a lump in my throat, and trying not to burst into tears again). Even though his age got me wonder if it’s right and getting in the relationship somehow i know would still be an issue and he was 9 years younger than me but even then he wasn’t just someone i know for a month but for almost 2 years, he was someone i became such good friends and became lovers, talked to everyday when i wake up and before going to bed at night, who stays so much late at night and even up until morning even sick but doesn’t mind just to spend time with me, play with everyday on an online game that we got so much hooked, someone i have come to know in and out and it was real that’s why it makes it so hard and complicated… And thinking what I’ve been through from those few people who I’ve loved and only hurt me in the end in the past which i take it now as part of my learning. But the most I’m certain about myself is –I didn’t wanna be that person hurting anyone or him for that matter, i didn’t want to be that someone for him who he’s come to know and love comes into his life and crashed it. I was at least used to always the one that gets left behind, ironically somehow i find it easier than thinking of knowing him and having to go through that pain i have gone through. It breaks my heart but i didn’t wanna hurt him more than i’ve already did. I hate to be that someone and i hate myself for being that person. And somehow i felt that no one understands how i feel, that no one really knows what or how i feel inside.*sigh*